​Ya ever just look at someone and be like, I am so glad God put you in my life? I was a little concerned that I didn’t have any messages from Zaiba T. Hasan at 4am the day of the Mommying While Muslim/HAWA event. 5:30am is when she requested me to print bathroom signs. I had lunch with Uzma Jafri and Bronislava Shmilovich on Friday before the event and man, I needed Zaiba there to help me reel in the innuendos. 🙁
Event mode Saira doesn’t really have time for emotions and I held them in while Zakaria set up the booth for Team Watience and man, watching him school me on how things should be done was pretty awesome. The tears started when ADAMS BEAT starting singing at the gala. Watching Hurunnessa Fariad’s do her thing. MashAllah. Woman entrepreneurs, amazing performers, dabka and tatreez. Being asked how one can join the registry. ❤️www.bethematch.org 
I wasn’t sure if I was going to speak but when Uzma put her arm around me and asked if I was up for it…I felt determined to walk up on that stage in my Vans and not trip on my abaya.
Continuing this journey with all of you has been special and I truly thank MommyingWhileMuslim for ensuring that I continue to help others in honor of Hadi. 
Stay tuned. 
#muslimmom #aplasticanemia #womenentrepreneurs 
#grief #vans

Who is the emo kid?
We have a white board up at work and staff members write questions on it.
I recently asked for everyone’s favorite poem. Mine is Harlem/A Dream Deferred by Langston Hughes. My co/worker was reading the responses and asked…”who is the emo kid?” when he read mine.
I wonder how much emotion one can hold in? Tomorrow is the last day of Ramadan and yes, I will caress my coffee at 8am on Eid day, I can’t help but feeling sad and missing Zakaria’s conversations at 5:30am in the morning.
My therapist asks how things make me feel all the time and will stop me if I just want you to jump to the next part of a story. I don’t like her…which, for me, means that she’s good.
Sad, that’s how I am feeling. Sad that Iowa lost but also, Dawn Staley, you are a beast. Sad that, pretty sure I won’t stay awake for the Purdue game but knowing that my nephew is there now…yeah, I am old. Sad thinking that it would have been incredible to watch Hadi watch the finals and scream out booya and smile knowing he picked that up from me.
Sad that we still are asking where the humanity is. I am more than just sad, I am angry. #FreePalestine
Sad thinking about two young men whose lives recently were taken too soon by separate auto accidents. I asked one of the family members how she was holding up….her response, “Alhumdulillah, we are heartbroken but trust in Allah’s plan”.
Zakaria and I gave condolences to one of the families yesterday. A bereaved mother. The shock clear on her face. The rawness of life.
I am waiting for Zakaria to come out of his drama class. A huge bird just flew by. I focused on Surah Mulk during Hadi’s last days at Children’s.
“Do they not see the birds above?”

I am dreaming of that coffee in the picture. Sitting at a board retreat and I need more coffee. I literally stood in front of the coffee urn for about two minutes not knowing what to do when I realized there was no more coffee. I was desperate and did some weird combination of decaf and tea.
I usually am in bed around 8pm but went to a lovely birthday party last night and danced…a lot. I am now not only tired but can barely walk. It’s obvious that I had to get down to Rhianna but I apparently forgot that I am no longer in college. It was a lovely evening being surrounded by incredible women. A chance to rejuvenate.
Listening to folks talk about voting for Biden because he has more morals that Trump. Really? How about a response to the flour massacre, Genocide Joe?
I went to Jummah at the Northern Virginia Hebrew Congregation yesterday (the irony is not lost on me). A friend introduced me to one of her friends. I put my hand out and this beautiful woman said, no handshakes here, give me a hug. It was an incredible hug. One I needed.
Ramadan is upon us and yet again, I am not prepared. I am looking forward to suhoor with Zakaria. I also realize the kid will want to discuss Avatar, the Last Airbender at 5:00am. Yes, kiddo, what they did to Bumi was wrong. I wonder what Hadi would think of Avatar. He would be a pretty awesome Airbender…actually he would rock all bending.
I probably should go back to paying attention to this meeting before people notice my tears. They are happy ones…thinking about how happy Hadi would be each time I told him a donation came in to support others.
#ramadan #hugs #danceparty #freepalestine #airbender

I would love to say I still have got it but I want to crawl into bed and it’s 6pm. Zakaria and I went to Toronto over the weekend. We drove and my brilliant self said we should leave at 3:15am to make the most of our day. All excited to get my 7-11 coffee and start our journey…nope, the 7-11 didn’t have any coffee at that hour. Alright, weirdly concocted winter wonderland latte, you will have to do. Zakaria is the best travel buddy ever. He picked a yummy breakfast place for us to stop at in Altoona. I prayed Fajr in the car before we went in and honestly, I think I fell asleep half way through.
We made it to the border only to realize I didn’t have a document from my ex-husband saying I wasn’t abducting Zakaria. Luckily, I had the email I sent to him telling him about this trip. The guy then asked Zakaria for his dad’s name and apparently, Zakaria passed the test.
We then took in Niagara Falls and they were amazing. I really wanted to go on a boat like I did as a kid but they aren’t open in the winter. I obviously had to get the cheesy green screen picture of Zakaria and me.
We then drove to our hotel and while walking into the lobby and thinking I must have hit the club part of our hotel, Zakaria asked where in the world I had booked us. It was the Fairmont because…I fancy. Seriously though, I guess Canadians have to jam it up in the hotel lobby.
We ordered food from Uber Eats and I might have kissed the box of halal poutine.
The next day, we hit the CN Tower, Ripley’s Aquarium, Kensington Place and Little Canada. Zakaria loves public transportation and it’s awesome watching him figure out trams, buses, subways, etc.
Palestine is never far from my mind and I continue to wonder where the humanity is. While I looked at all the amazing creatures Allah has put on this earth at the aquarium, I wondered what unique creatures all those beautiful children that we have lost in the genocide get to see in Jannah. I can imagine Hadi telling them to give all the reptiles names. The thoughts of what these trips would be like with Hadi, Leena and even Aamir come at me like a ton of bricks. Grief…oh, my constant companion. You have taught me so much. You still suck.
We hit a halal breakfast place on Sunday and then started our drive back. Obviously had to get some Timmy’s. I made it to just outside Pittsburgh and decided we should spend the night because I was tired. Walmart to the rescue for some fresh night suits (yes, night suits) and Monday outfits. Pittsburgh Walmart made me feel like I had stepped into the Hypermart in Topeka. Nothing like a Walmart to remind me how not white I am. Got us some potato salad and macaroni salad and set off to our Wyndham hotel…again, I fancy. Boo to the potato salad having bacon…I missed the “loaded” label. Watched the Super Bowl. No, Zakaria, I am not sure how many times Usher will take off his shirt.
Finished my presentation for my coursework on addiction, got a few hours of sleep and headed out. Maybe I am addicted to making myself exhausted so I don’t have to think. Pretty sure that’s not healthy.
I also think I am addicted to Sheetz.
Go Chiefs…though reading a score online that clearly says the 49ers won but a headline saying the Chiefs did right above it when you are on little sleep will really mess with your mind.
La halwa wala quwatta, illa billa.
Free Palestine.
#toronto #FreePalestine #cntower #ripleysaquarium #grief #gochiefs #roadtrip #Poutine #sheetz #timhortons

"I gotchu, Mere Jaan" (my love). I heard a husband say this to his wife as I was walking into Friday prayer. She had asked him to pray for her sister. It was so sweetly said. This was after I watched a older man pull the hood on to his mother's head to protect her from the rain as he walked her to the mosque. Focus on the good, right? I decided to go to the 11:30am Jummah at ADAMS-Sterling because Imam Kebba Sallah's recitation is beautiful, mashAllah. Honestly, he also is concise and allows me to actually pay attention. Let's just say my attention span is not at its peak these days.
I am sitting in Panera attempting to put together my course work discussing my privilege. One, is Panera on the boycott list? Two, my privilege? Where do I start? Maybe with the idea that my mental health is struggling and while I know I can turn away from the images, the Palestinian people can't...it's their reality. I lost my beautiful child to a bone marrow failure disease and not to a genocide but yet, there is a connection with those mothers. Hadi, my guide continues to remind me that there is no power or might except God. La halwa wala quwatta billa.
I gotchu, mere jaan. #jummah #freepalestine #ceasefire #grief #boycott