I am dreaming of that coffee in the picture. Sitting at a board retreat and I need more coffee. I literally stood in front of the coffee urn for about two minutes not knowing what to do when I realized there was no more coffee. I was desperate and did some weird combination of decaf and tea.
I usually am in bed around 8pm but went to a lovely birthday party last night and danced…a lot. I am now not only tired but can barely walk. It’s obvious that I had to get down to Rhianna but I apparently forgot that I am no longer in college. It was a lovely evening being surrounded by incredible women. A chance to rejuvenate.
Listening to folks talk about voting for Biden because he has more morals that Trump. Really? How about a response to the flour massacre, Genocide Joe?
I went to Jummah at the Northern Virginia Hebrew Congregation yesterday (the irony is not lost on me). A friend introduced me to one of her friends. I put my hand out and this beautiful woman said, no handshakes here, give me a hug. It was an incredible hug. One I needed.
Ramadan is upon us and yet again, I am not prepared. I am looking forward to suhoor with Zakaria. I also realize the kid will want to discuss Avatar, the Last Airbender at 5:00am. Yes, kiddo, what they did to Bumi was wrong. I wonder what Hadi would think of Avatar. He would be a pretty awesome Airbender…actually he would rock all bending.
I probably should go back to paying attention to this meeting before people notice my tears. They are happy ones…thinking about how happy Hadi would be each time I told him a donation came in to support others.
#ramadan #hugs #danceparty #freepalestine #airbender

I would love to say I still have got it but I want to crawl into bed and it’s 6pm. Zakaria and I went to Toronto over the weekend. We drove and my brilliant self said we should leave at 3:15am to make the most of our day. All excited to get my 7-11 coffee and start our journey…nope, the 7-11 didn’t have any coffee at that hour. Alright, weirdly concocted winter wonderland latte, you will have to do. Zakaria is the best travel buddy ever. He picked a yummy breakfast place for us to stop at in Altoona. I prayed Fajr in the car before we went in and honestly, I think I fell asleep half way through.
We made it to the border only to realize I didn’t have a document from my ex-husband saying I wasn’t abducting Zakaria. Luckily, I had the email I sent to him telling him about this trip. The guy then asked Zakaria for his dad’s name and apparently, Zakaria passed the test.
We then took in Niagara Falls and they were amazing. I really wanted to go on a boat like I did as a kid but they aren’t open in the winter. I obviously had to get the cheesy green screen picture of Zakaria and me.
We then drove to our hotel and while walking into the lobby and thinking I must have hit the club part of our hotel, Zakaria asked where in the world I had booked us. It was the Fairmont because…I fancy. Seriously though, I guess Canadians have to jam it up in the hotel lobby.
We ordered food from Uber Eats and I might have kissed the box of halal poutine.
The next day, we hit the CN Tower, Ripley’s Aquarium, Kensington Place and Little Canada. Zakaria loves public transportation and it’s awesome watching him figure out trams, buses, subways, etc.
Palestine is never far from my mind and I continue to wonder where the humanity is. While I looked at all the amazing creatures Allah has put on this earth at the aquarium, I wondered what unique creatures all those beautiful children that we have lost in the genocide get to see in Jannah. I can imagine Hadi telling them to give all the reptiles names. The thoughts of what these trips would be like with Hadi, Leena and even Aamir come at me like a ton of bricks. Grief…oh, my constant companion. You have taught me so much. You still suck.
We hit a halal breakfast place on Sunday and then started our drive back. Obviously had to get some Timmy’s. I made it to just outside Pittsburgh and decided we should spend the night because I was tired. Walmart to the rescue for some fresh night suits (yes, night suits) and Monday outfits. Pittsburgh Walmart made me feel like I had stepped into the Hypermart in Topeka. Nothing like a Walmart to remind me how not white I am. Got us some potato salad and macaroni salad and set off to our Wyndham hotel…again, I fancy. Boo to the potato salad having bacon…I missed the “loaded” label. Watched the Super Bowl. No, Zakaria, I am not sure how many times Usher will take off his shirt.
Finished my presentation for my coursework on addiction, got a few hours of sleep and headed out. Maybe I am addicted to making myself exhausted so I don’t have to think. Pretty sure that’s not healthy.
I also think I am addicted to Sheetz.
Go Chiefs…though reading a score online that clearly says the 49ers won but a headline saying the Chiefs did right above it when you are on little sleep will really mess with your mind.
La halwa wala quwatta, illa billa.
Free Palestine.
#toronto #FreePalestine #cntower #ripleysaquarium #grief #gochiefs #roadtrip #Poutine #sheetz #timhortons

"I gotchu, Mere Jaan" (my love). I heard a husband say this to his wife as I was walking into Friday prayer. She had asked him to pray for her sister. It was so sweetly said. This was after I watched a older man pull the hood on to his mother's head to protect her from the rain as he walked her to the mosque. Focus on the good, right? I decided to go to the 11:30am Jummah at ADAMS-Sterling because Imam Kebba Sallah's recitation is beautiful, mashAllah. Honestly, he also is concise and allows me to actually pay attention. Let's just say my attention span is not at its peak these days.
I am sitting in Panera attempting to put together my course work discussing my privilege. One, is Panera on the boycott list? Two, my privilege? Where do I start? Maybe with the idea that my mental health is struggling and while I know I can turn away from the images, the Palestinian people can't...it's their reality. I lost my beautiful child to a bone marrow failure disease and not to a genocide but yet, there is a connection with those mothers. Hadi, my guide continues to remind me that there is no power or might except God. La halwa wala quwatta billa.
I gotchu, mere jaan. #jummah #freepalestine #ceasefire #grief #boycott

​#marchformarrow #aplasticanemia #grief #twins #griefbomb I struggle with this.
One, I know people mean well but man oh man, sometimes I want to just say-nope, not helpful.
That being said, I know Hadi is in a better place and I can’t wait to be reunited with him. I mean, while I miss him terribly, knowing he doesn’t have to deal with pokes for blood draws in Jannah makes me happy.
We are coming up on five years. I might not write as much as I used to but trust me, grief doesn’t go away and I will continue to honor Hadi by supporting causes that he cared about.
I smile as Facebook keeps wanting to use Hadia Mubarak’s name when I type Hadi. I think about how she took the twins on a field trip once and how Hadi had no qualms about asking for an apple from her. My boys both ate apples often, including the cores…never thought anyone else did this and it came up in conversation with Amina Rehman Hasan about how her nephew does. Grief bombs…they come out of nowhere and the tears are needed but man, they can be exhausting. Mushroom coffee? Nah, gonna get the real stuff.
March for Marrow is this Sunday. Keep me in the lead and be part of finding a cure for the beast that is aplastic anemia.
Yes, I want to be in the lead to honor my son but I would also be alright if you donated to Debby Ziff Cook, an aplastic anemia warrior who just lost her father or even to Travis Georgieff whose daughter is the true definition of an aplastic anemia warrior and is doing well after a bone marrow transplant.
https://aamdsif.salsalabs.org/.../t/teamwatience/index.html
You also can still register to attend and see if I do a booty shake or break down during the welcome. It’s anyone’s guess.

​It’s becoming a routine that I wish didn’t exist. Another pillar of the community passing. Where to sit at ADAMS, where to park at Sterling Cemetery. When to visit Hadi. They all hit hard but this one…Uncle Ashraf’s smile alone could lift my spirits. Seeing Auntie and him at Jummah always warmed my heart.